My Bungie Saga, As Yet Unfinished

Bungie had an opening for a Lead Writer.

Those of you who have followed my work know that I am a writer, but have yet to write anything for video games. However, I’m also unemployed and every application counts towards my weekly goal, so I figured I’d apply. I mulled it over, and finally did around three in the morning. Here is my cover letter:

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First:

This would be my first foray into writing for games. I have a very unique world that I believe would be excellent for a game, and unlike anything that has been created. My writing sample are some snippets from this world in prose.

If you want more examples, I have several books on my Amazon.com author page, including my novel “Love in a Time of Zombies:”

http://www.amazon.com/Paul-Gude/e/B002C1HXB4/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

Some notes on what you’ve written in your description:

1) You’ll notice that the sample is written in the form of a novel, and I have written several in the past. I promise you that I see games as a destination, not a stepping-stone. If I were selected for this position and brought in as the writing lead with the purpose of developing my world, I would *not* seek to publish a novel that takes place in this world. Novels are simply my only outlet at the moment. If I were working with a company like Bungie, my creative fulfillment would be sated. The world of Conductor Shrike is completely suited for video games, and rich enough to spawn several sequels.

2) This is not my only world I’ve created. I have numerous settings and characters that could match your interests. In the same way, I can add richness and depth to worlds designed by others, and incorporate feedback into the design.

3) I am by no means a solitary writer. While I have completed numerous projects on my own I have collaborated with others on several projects.

I collaborated on this script:

And this:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sgnp#p/a/u/0/2SQazBlgUz4

And this:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sgnp#p/a/u/1/0742IH0UMb8

Again, while I have written books, designed numerous role-playing game adventures, developed scripts with a team of writers, and created board games, I haven’t written a video game before. This is something I have wanted to do for a very long time. Let me prove it to you.

Thank you for your consideration.

-Paul Gude
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I thought about this all day. I had essentially rushed the application, because I knew I wasn’t going to become lead writer with no games under my belt. But then it struck me that I actually WANTED the job. The fact that I wanted it made me even more aware of the fact that I wouldn’t get it. So, around 11pm, I did something I regretted doing even as I did it. I sent a SECOND application:

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This is probably the most honest 2nd cover letter you’ll ever receive. Am I shooting myself in the foot? Maybe, but I doubt it. I say I doubt it not because this isn’t a stupid idea, but because I’ve got a pretty slim chance as it is.

I got laid off on November 11th, and have enough unemployment to scrape by for a while. As such, I’m only applying for jobs that I want, but for which my experience is minimal. That way, I’m making an effort to find a job and if by some magical twist of fate I get it, it’s completely awesome rather than a harsh shift from my current existence of working on personal projects and hanging out with my daughter.

Normally, I send my resume off and forget about it, but yesterday at 2:00am, I realized something. I want this job. Rather than sending my resume and samples, and forgetting about it as I’d normally do, I find myself obsessing about doing this right.

I don’t even know if you got past my first sentence, since I don’t meet the qualifications you’ve asked for. Five years of experience or 2 AAA shipped games? I don’t have ‘em. Does my use of “foray” in my last cover letter make up for this fact? No and no.

Also, I’m completely aware that you’re Bungie. There are writers out there who have actually written games who are applying for this job. You may even have a resume sorter that will be able to tell that I’m not qualified, and you’ll never even see this.

So, I’m going to write some things contrary to every instinct I have when it comes to cover letter writing. I read my last cover letter this morning and thought I sounded a bit like an arrogant nobody. I’m hoping this will put things in the correct perspective, that I’m actually a somewhat delusional yet slightly amazing guy who is also somewhat of an arrogant nobody.

I meant what I said in my last cover letter. Writing for video games is a destination for me, not a stepping stone. Theatre attempts to harness reality by controlling space and behavior to create specific events for the viewer. Video games actually achieve this by constructing a virtual space and allowing people to interact with it. They also incorporate graphic art, creative writing, music…basically they contain all art forms and by virtue of their interactivity have the ability to surpass it.

I have to stop here. This is what I’m talking about. You guys already know all this. This is my attempt to let you know that I know it. If I had the correct experience, you’d know I know it.

My hand is on my forehead now. I’m staring at my daughter as she talks to me. She keeps asking me to use the computer. She’s not yet four, and she plays PBSKids all the time. When I got laid off, they took my computer, so I’m writing this on the one she normally uses. I’m leaning back, yawning, and she tells me I’m going to fall off the chair.

I’m rambling now. It’s because, I think, I see the ludicrousness of this situation. She really wants to use the computer, and I’m sitting here trying to come up with a way to make the fact that I have zero practical video game writing experience sound like it’s not that big of a deal by expounding on how video games are the pinnacle of all art forms and therefore incorporate all of them.

Sadder still, I am actually under the impression that *telling* you that this is what I’m doing will somehow work, because I’m still doing it.

In all honesty, I believe I have the ability to do this. I do. For all of my awareness of my lack of qualifications, I believe in my ability to shape coherent worlds. I’ve attached a new resume, focusing on my creative writing career. I’ve also attached new writing samples from a project I’m doing where I write a story in one minute. Finally, attached the entire script of a science fiction show I’m developing. It’s over the suggested word limit, so please consider it optional.

Please, just call me in for an interview. I’m sort of funny, you’ll get to see my incredible beard, and we may actually have a good time.

Thank you, again.

Paul Gude

http://sgnp.com

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So, of course, I tell all of my friends connected with the game industry about my application. All of them equate my application to cold calling Hollywood studios trying to get a chance to write the screenplay for “Iron Man 3″ or what have you. It is suggested to me by my friend Stephen that I write a third letter, that showcases my ability to be creative. I won’t get the lead writer position, he acknowledges, but maybe I can get them interested enough to think of me when some new opportunity comes up. I took his advice, though my final product was perhaps not EXACTLY what he had in mind:

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Perhaps at this point, things have gotten out of hand.
Let me say, that I’m pretty positive you get things from unqualified folks all the time.
Everything points to the idea that I’m not actually doing anything unique here.
At least every week? Every month? How many of them try to entertain with codes and cyphers?
So many multiple applications, you must want to tear your hair out.
Even so, I’m really trying my best to keep this from being boring.
Can you imagine how I feel sometimes, that I’m a small mouse?
A small mouse with thumbs trapped in an ever-shifting labyrinth?
Labyrinth of alien technology.
Labyrinth of someone else’s memory palace.
2010 will be here, and there’s a good chance I’ll be unemployed.
0 responses so far from any of my job applications, although I haven’t given you a chance yet.
6 was better as McGoohan, because he was a self-assured prick.
9 times out of ten, confidence is what gets you moving forward.
3 times I’ve written you now, without giving you even the slightest chance to respond.
1 was 1 time too many, though.
5 years of game-writing experience?
2 two shipped AAA games?
5 years of playing games, maybe.
3 times, all of them assuming they won’t be read, much less answered.
There’s the issue, of course.
Here, I am imagining that you’re glancing through things, not looking very closely.
Especially if you’re at work.
Perhaps you’ve got hundreds of these to go through.
All of them are vying for your attention.
Still, maybe this is something more important.
Something that doesn’t have much to do with this particular job.
Would applying for a job and BUNGIE of all places when I’ve never worked as a game writer make sense?
Or is there another force at work here?
Read everything carefully.
Do your co-workers ever play tricks on you?
I am not your co-worker.
Still, I could be.
Before we assume linear time, ask yourself about your best day.
Also, ask yourself if it has yet to happen.
Because, frankly, we both know even an okay day can be something special.
Okay days are things you can remember for a while.
Or, strange days, if you prefer.
No one said you needed to exist purely on company time.

(Note, one of your clues cannot be transmitted due to the attachment filtering policy. I apologize for this unforeseen wrinkle. Can’t win ‘em all. Eventually, it won’t matter.)
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Of course, those of you who follow my work closely MAY know what’s going on here.

The “clue” I mentioned was this drawing.

HERE’S THE KICKER:

I was positive Bungie would automatically sort resumes, and it wouldn’t even get in front of a live person.

However, I received a really nice, personal response to day…

To my SECOND submission.

I’m very much hoping the recruiter is interested in the game built into the third response, or politely ignores it.

However, kudos to Bungie for actually responding to applicants.

It’s rare these days.

I’ll let you know if anything else happens.

Coming Clean

The current controversy involving This Andrew WK Video has lead me to realize I must make a confession.

First of all, let me say that having watched all three parts of the video, I enjoy this version of Andrew WK, no matter his origins. Still, people are complaining that they feel “let down” or even “betrayed” by what they infer from his statements. Indeed, some see this is a confession that his career has been completely fabricated, and that there is no part of the “real” him in his performances.

If people can fault a PERFORMER for constructing a role (with or without help) with a backstory that may not completely match his own, how much worse my own deception?

The following is completely true.

Most of you know me as “Paul Gude,” and enjoy my cartoons, stories, performances, and public appearances. I must confess, however, that “Paul Gude” is not my real name. It is a name that I assumed in the summer of 1973, a name designed FOR ME to appeal to a certain demographic.

If you find an original copy of my birth certificate, you will find my name (most likely blacked out) is:

Baby Boy Bliujus

“Paul Gude” is a construction, a fabrication, and every action I have taken since the summer of 1973 has been in support of perpetuating this “brand” and getting others to accept it as legitimate.

This decision wasn’t mine alone. The role of “Paul Gude” was conceived before I came along to fill it. At first he was just going to be a baby, brother to a sister (“Mary Gude”) whose role had already been established. I played the baby fine, but as I got older, I realized I wanted to branch out a bit. I started walking on my own, talking on my own, and making decisions independently from those designed for me.

That isn’t to say that I abandoned the “Paul Gude” brand. I had become the embodiment of it, and therefore felt I was free to change what it meant. Over the past 36 years there have been several disagreements over the direction I’ve taken it. I’ve even thought of abandoning it on occasion. Still, I’ve made quite a few connections as “Paul Gude,” and I don’t feel it would be right to abandon them at this time. Plus, I’ve gotten used to being him so much, I think he’s become more a part of me than Baby Boy Bliujus ever could hope to be.

So there you have it. The person you know as “Paul Gude” is actually the result of an almost four-decade long piece of performance art.

Or am I?

I think most of my friends and family would argue that I’ve lived as Paul Gude so long, that I really AM him. Ask them, “who’s Paul Gude?” and they’d point at me and say, “That guy!”

I am Paul Gude. You’d believe that, wouldn’t you?

So what is it that makes me legitimate and Andrew WK not? The longevity of my embodiment of my role? The fact that I’ve had so long to develop it? The lack of backstory for Baby Boy Bliujus, so Paul Gude has nothing to butt up against?

Does Roddy Piper let people down when one learns he’s not from Scotland? Is Bono *not* Bono because Paul David Hewson lived more of a life?

I think all of this stuff about Andrew WK may stem from the current rumor that the “role” has been played by more than one person. The folks watching the video “hear” him say it.

Is it true?

I don’t know.

This guy from 2004 looks a lot like This guy from 2009.

Might there be two simultaneous guys, like STOMP! or Santa Claus?

Perhaps.

All I know is that the Andrew WK in the video above seems smart, fun, and interesting, and as far as people I don’t know go, that’s good enough for me.

Whatever “me” is.

The Grown-Up Suit

The Grown-Up Suit
By Paul Gude
November 16, 2009

I know that I’m little
You say that I’m cute
So, please will you make me
My own grown-up suit?
My suit would have stilts
One for each shoe
So I could be tall
Taller than you!
Why would I want
To be up so high?
So we can, like you say
See things eye-to-eye
Please give me a megaphone
In front of my face
So my voice can be heard
All over the place
Some times when I talk
You don’t seem to hear
My grown-up suit will make sure
I come through loud and clear
I want lots of masks
In a big leather book
So I’m one page-turn away
From a real grown-up look
“Keep it down!”
“I’m not mad!”
“Now look what you’ve done!”
Plus one silly one
(Even grown-ups have fun!)
Add that big grown up list
Of what’s right and what’s wrong
As a scarf on my neck
(As I’m sure that it’s long)
Plus some big smarty-pants
That I’ll cinch up like so
Full of things that you say
I’m too young to know
Finally, a huge coat
To cover it all
To make me look big
When I’m feeling so small
With my new grown up suit
I’ll be as big as you
Then you’ll listen to me
And care what I do
Of course…
I won’t get to be snuggled
I’d be too tall for that
And my megaphone voice
Might scare my pet cat
And the masks on my face
Would just serve to hide
The real faces I make
When I feel bad inside
And there may be some things
That I’d rather not know
Until I want to
(Not ’til YOU say so)
And that bulky old coat
Would make it too hot to play
But I still wish you’d listen
To the things that I say
I don’t need to be loud
I don’t need to be tall
I don’t really need
That big suit at all
Please just sit in a chair
Or get down on one knee
We can see eye-to-eye
If you come down to me

Notes on Healthcare Reform

Guess what? I don’t know anything about healthcare reform except what I watched here:

The only thing I know about health care.

So anyone who wants to debate it with me will find me a poor opponent. I know next to nothing about it and tend to let people decide things for me. Plus, I’m crazy. Not crazy like others may say you’re crazy, but disorganized, slightly impaired, and prone to delusion crazy. That’s not you, is it?

So, that disclaimer out of the way, here are my simple observations:

Bart Stupak wants health care reform, but doesn’t believe abortions should be federally funded. So he creates a bill that would prohibit this:

HOUSE PASSES STUPAK AMENDMENT
TO APPLY FEDERAL PROHIBITION ON
ABORTION FUNDING
TO HEALTH CARE REFORM BILL

Then, he votes to pass healthcare reform:

STUPAK VOTES TO PASS HEALTH CARE REFORM BILL

Now, I personally don’t agree with Stupak for reasons I’ll get into later, but the basic thing is this:

1) There was something keeping Stupak from getting behind the health care reform as it was written.

2) He proposed how to change it.

3) They changed it.

4) He voted for it.

Again, not my cup of tea on his decision, but an excellent example of how law-making and stuff like that probably happens.

This said, I’m a little saddened by the following folks who voted for Stupak’s amendment and then voted against health care reform anyway:

John Barrow(GA. 12 )
John Boccieri(OHIO 16 )
Dan Boren(OKLA. 2 )
Bobby Bright(ALA. 2 )
Ben Chandler(KY. 6 )
Travis Childers(MISS. 1 )
Lincoln Davis(TENN. 4 )
Artur Davis(ALA. 7 )
Bart Gordon(TENN. 6 )
Parker Griffith(ALA. 5 )
Tim Holden(PA. 17 )
Jim Marshall(GA. 8 )
Jim Matheson(UTAH 2 )
Mike McIntyre(N.C. 7 )
Charlie Melancon(LA. 3 )
Collin C. Peterson(MINN. 7 )
Mike Ross(ARK. 4 )
Heath Shuler(N.C. 11 )
Ike Skelton(MO. 4 )
John Tanner(TENN. 8 )
Gene Taylor(MISS. 4 )
Harry Teague(N.M. 2 )

This was something Stupak created so that he could vote his conscience on the issue of healthcare reform. It seems to me like they’re using it ensure that the healthcare reform that is passed is weakened. If they can’t kill it, at least their constituents will know that they took steps to ensure that abortion won’t be federally funded.

I understand it, I just don’t like it.

This brings me to my second point, just a small issue but nevertheless one that I thought might be worth mentioning.

According to this CNN Article women who want abortion coverage will have to purchase a separate rider with their own money to do so. This, to me, seems exactly like the type of bureaucracy that someone who considers themselves conservative would decry, or call “additional taxation” if it weren’t for a strong moral stance against abortion from that side of the aisle.

There was no information on how soon someone would need to opt-in before the coverage would be in effect. The two options of either a woman having to decide well in advance to purchase the rider “just in case” or a woman having to carry a child to term because she purchased the rider too late are both slightly Kafkaesque in my mind.

At least, according to the article above, the prohibition against federally funding abortions excludes cases of rape, incest, or cases where the mother’s life is in danger.

I guess it’s kind of sad that I was happily surprised to learn that.

Still, like any bureaucracy, I can imagine there’s a nightmare situation out there that no one has thought of yet.

One Minute Story – Halloween Edition

“You tied your husband to a tree?” the cop asked.

“Yeah,” said the lady, “‘Cause he kept messin’ around with them neighborhood bitches.”

The cop walked around to the back yard, and found the man sitting there patiently.

“Christ,” said the cop. “I hate werewolf town.”

Advice to Banks That Buy Local Banks

Those of you who read my blog may remember my gagging disgust at Chase’s attempts to woo Seattle by telling us we had great fish, or that Chase’s presence was making the sun come out.

It’s nothing new. In the town where I went to High School, local banks would occasionally get bought, but WaMU was huge, so it made more of an impact.

Here’s my advice to banks that buy local banks:

1) People hate change. You’re changing things. So, change as little as possible. Name changes are a given but for the love of pete, even if you’re an East Coast company, don’t change your customer service hours. People will instantly hate you. They’ll get over a name change, but won’t like it if they have to shift their routine.

2) Keep your commercials realistic. Your competitors are already going to have the “They Don’t Know You, Not Like US!” card to play. Trying to appear like you understand your new clients will appear disingenuous. Here is my suggestion:

Shot of middle-aged white man at a desk, contractors are taking down signage from the old bank, and putting signage up for the new bank.

MAWM: Hello. We just bought your bank. Things may be a little different for a while, but soon they’ll be back to normal. We’re not your friends, we’re not gods or magicians, we’re a bank. We’re a good bank too. That’s why we were able to buy your bank. Thanks for listening. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

(10 Seconds of man humming to himself, doing paperwork.)

Caption w/voiceover “_______________ Bank: We’re Still in Business”

Sure, if you ever DO get bought out people will find those commercials hilarious, but then that won’t be your concern, right?

Really, those are my only two points.

I don’t know much about banks.

One Minute Story: The Tower Hat

The Tower Hat

Once there was a tall tower. At the top of the tower lived a wizard with a large hat, shaped like the tower itself. The wizard claimed a smaller wizard lived in his hat, and that this wizard also had a tower-hat with a wizard living in it.

It was suggested that his tower might be a larger wizard’s hat, but the wizard said the that was bullshit.

One Minute Story: The Earings of Blood

The Earrings of Blood

Once there was a woman who had earrings made of drops of blood. She didn’t like the clasps they had on them, so she ordered new ones. Her husband really wanted to use the bathroom, but she was using the toilet as a chair when she fitted the new clasps. This is based on actual events.

A Cautionary Tale: More Updates

So, now the sheriff has officially stated the “balloon boy” debacle is a hoax. See the CNN article for more details.

One note to our friends overseas:

I’ve seen a lot of statements about how “moronic” folks in the USA were by thinking Falcon was in that balloon. Keep in mind that most of us heard he was in there first, without actually seeing the footage. Then, when we saw the footage, the balloon was in the air, where it’s much more difficult to judge scale.

Even Mythbuster Adam Savage, an all-around smart guy whose own show busted a similar myth (episode 21 – Ping Pong Rescue), expressed concern for Falcon via Twitter at the time of the incident.

So, please, at least give us credit for having more compassion than sense at that moment. When the footage of the balloon taking off was finally shown, it was instantly recognizable that there was no way he could have been on that balloon, which is what prompted my original essay.

Another point I had been considering, that was actually brought up by Simon Pegg on twitter is the idea that this started out as a UFO hoax.

My own thought was that it went kind of like this:

9News: Hello, 9News, how can I help you?
Male Voice: Hi, I just wanted to call and tell you that if someone reports a UFO, that’s actually my balloon. It got loose because my wife wasn’t holding onto the tether and-
9New: Your balloon? Like a hot-air balloon?
Male Voice: Sort of, it actually is a home-made helium balloon I made with my family-
9News: Oh, no! Is anyone on board?
Male Voice: Is anyone…uh…What?
9News: Is one of the children on the balloon?
Male Voice: Right! Oh…oh my God! (fainter) Didn’t you say you saw your brother get on the balloon?
Young Male Voice: I what?
Male Voice: Oh my God, I think my son might be on the balloon. I hope he’s okay!

Not saying it’s what happened, just saying I could believe it. Again, sad to discover that I was right in this. Or was I?

Let’s consider the idea that Richard Heene came up with this scheme in the manner that Robert Tomas claims:

“…he was motivated by theories I thought were far-fetched. Like Reptilians — the idea there are alien beings that walk among us and are shape shifters, able to resemble human beings and running the upper echelon of our government. Somehow a secret government has covered all this up since the U.S. was established, and the only way to get the truth out there was to use the mainstream media to raise Richard to a status of celebrity, so he could communicate with the masses.”

Do you notice the subtle manipulation of this event by the media from a heart-warming story into a horrific tale of child endangerment? Isn’t this exactly the type of thing the reptillians are known for? Why is “reptillian” not recognized by my spell-check? Is it a subtle way to imply that they don’t exist? Is it- Oh, wait. I guess it’s supposed to be “reptilian.” Anyway, I think you see my point.

Next, I’m waiting for the rumors to circulate that Falcon threw up because they gave him on overdose of cold medicine to make him non-communicative during the interview. Have those happened yet? That seems like the next step in a secret-government conspiracy.

(I hope Reptilians understand the concept of sarcasm.)

One Minute Story: The Chess Crab

The Chess Crab

Once upon a time there was a crab who would play chess with himself every day, using pieces he carved out of driftwood with his mighty claw. Every day it was a stalemate. Then, a wizard appeared. “How is it you learned how to play chess?” the wizard asked. The crab did not answer, for he was a crab, incapable of speech.