Some Guy Named Paul’s Blog

A Cautionary Tale

October 16, 2009 · 3 Comments

I see some parallels between Balloon Boy and My Kid Could Paint That.

Both Richard Heene and Mark Olmstead were fathers whose children were given a national spotlight.

Falcon Heene was thought to have taken a dangerous balloon trip. Marla Olmstead was said to have painted extraordinary pictures.

In both of these cases, the media attention eventually turned sour.

60 Minutes claimed that it was possible Marla didn’t paint the pictures at all, and Falcon was revealed to be hiding in his home, not on the balloon at all.

In both cases, the child in the spotlight said something when the cameras were on that the father didn’t want to be heard.

During the filming of the documentary about her paintings, Marla asked Mark Olmstead to complete one of her paintings for her. When asked by his parents why he didn’t come out when they were calling for him, Falcon Heene said, “You guys said…that…mmm…we did this for the show.”

In both cases, the things the kids said could possibly be taken to mean that the speculations of the media were true. Did Marla admit that Mark Olmstead completed paintings for her? Did Falcon say that his parents put him up to a hoax?

In both of these cases, the thing that makes it look possible is the father’s reaction. Both fathers attempt to normalize and downplay what is said because they, like us, know what their child’s statement may imply. In both cases, they come up with a normalizing scenario that would explain away the child’s statement, then remind us that the child is a child, then mention that they resent the attention on their family. This ends up looking sketchy.

I think this is due to no small part to the fact that both parents have done a little work to get their families into the spotlight in the past. The Heenes appeared on Wife Swap and if you watch the documentary there’s bit about the Olmsteads submitting Marla’s paintings to an art show with copy that those running it found inappropriate for what they were after. The idea that these things just “happened” and now the media is unfairly reporting on the family begins to look disingenuous.

I mention this as a cautionary tale, however, because I think all fathers may have this tendency, especially ones connected in some way to show business, or with a wish to be famous. Betty is cute and smart, and (here’s the dangerous bit) I want her to be able to do all the things I never did. It’s a very thin line between giving your child the opportunity to succeed and trying to force them into a rocket to stardom with you tethered along behind.

For the record, I’m not sure about Marla. I think that what we may have seen in Mark is this thing that I think I might do too. He was trying to explain to her what she meant, which is a common parent thing to do. I will say that the painting that she completed all on her own (Ocean) didn’t have the same refinement as some of the others. Also, I know how hard it is to not collaborate with a child who paints, at least a little. My own guess on this situation (and it is just a guess) is that Olmstead helped a little, and then got tripped up with the story that they never helped her. Again, though, that’s just because of my experience raising Betty.

For Falcon Heene, though, I have to say it’s highly suspect. The balloon was made with a cardboard base for a reason. Cardboard is light, and when you watch the balloon take off, it floats up slowly. If Richard Henne really thought his son was in that balloon, I have to think he was either disconnected from reality a bit or didn’t know how his own balloon worked.

Once it got into the air, it’s hard to tell the size, so the news crews and those of us watching at home can be forgiven. Still, though, Richard Heene should have known, in my opinion.

Then again, if he truly thought his son was missing, maybe he lost contact with his rational mind and imagined him in the balloon as a pilot, rather than a weight that would have kept it on solid ground.

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A Story Written in One Minute

October 15, 2009 · 2 Comments

Roommates of the Animal Kingdom

Once upon a time there was a bunny. It was a cute little fuzzy white bunny that lived in a hole in the ground. Unfortunately, the hole was very shallow. So, he had to share his home with a lot of birds, and one duck. They all got along, but no one wanted to do the dishes. So they died.

The End

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Current Projects

August 18, 2009 · 2 Comments

I have a lot of things going on. Please keep in mind that I have about an hour or two a day to work on these, and then only if I don’t relax.

Ongoing:

Comics – Still trying to do one a night. “Not Even Trying” may not be a fan favorite, but it allows me to actually stick to that commitment. Plus, *I* think it’s funny.

Gude/Laurance at Spin the Bottle – Next we’re doing a song of some kind.

Happening Soon:

Gude/Laurance at Sketchfest – Script is done, rehearsals need to be scheduled. This’ll be Monday September 21st and Thursday, September 24th

One Minute Stories – A book that contains a few stories that I wrote in one minute as well as others that couldn’t have possibly been written that fast. Proofing it and getting close to done.

Slow Progress:

Pilot for Untitled Web Project: Script almost completed. Definite interest from actors. Will be cheap, so won’t need to wait for approval.

New Fantasy Series: 1st book mapped out. Should start writing first pages soon. I’m really excited about it.

Untitled Connie Sonne conversation project – I honestly don’t know what’s going on with this. She’s sent me a package and I’m looking at the materials she sent, but I’m not clear how I can help her. Still, I’m planning on writing something about it soon. It’s just taking a while.

Creeping slow progress:

Untitled Children’s Comic Book Series – Working with a publisher. Things are at a snail’s pace but not stalled.

Untitled Young Adult’s Fantasy Book Series – Manuscript for first book done. Waiting for notes from potential publisher.

Release of “Rhymes with Bootie” CD – Got an original CD from Tim Kern. Haven’t had a chance to see if I can get the songs off of it yet.

Stalled:

“Love in a Time of Zombies” Radio Drama – Definite interest, just not a lot of time.
“Love in a Time of Zombies” Prequel – It’s mapped out and about 22 pages are done, but some negative comments and flagging sales on the original have soured me to the project at the moment. I am a thin-skinned, fickle bitch sometimes, and a new idea happened to come along right at the correct time to seduce me away from this project.
“Love in a Time of Zombies” Sequel – In head, five pages done. See above.
“The Dragon and the King – A Zombie Book” – In head, one page done. See above.

New SGNP Album – A few songs done, but just don’t have time to work on this at the moment.

Untitled Memoir – About 500+ pages of me writing about myself over a span of around five years. Currently unedited and I’m just not sure it’s something that would catch on at the moment.

I’m doing all this between working a day job, being a dad, and on very rare occasions, stopping to rest. So there you go. If you’re waiting for a specific project to get finished and it hasn’t happened yet, you know why.

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Today’s Sandwich: The Dunwich Club Panini

August 17, 2009 · 1 Comment

Today, I got a Panini grill. It was on extra-special sale. I also got some olive oil spray for it, and some pre-cooked bacon. I was very excited.

When I got to work I realized I had forgotten the bread.

I was about to go back to the store, when I realized that I still had some pumpernickel rye left over.

Three pieces.

You may have guessed what happened next.

Rather than admit defeat, I made a gargantuan triumph, a double-decker masterpiece that contained enough ingredients for two sandwiches:

Pumpernickel Rye
Avocado
Bacon
Cheddar Cheese
Red Bell Pepper
Pumpernickel Rye
Dry Salami
Pepperjack Cheese
Baby Spinach
Black Horse Pepper sauce
Pumpernickel Rye

Alas, panini are often made with chabada bread for a reason.

As I closed the lid, I saw the pumpernickel rye become a dark mass, spreading and cracking while the avocado, bacon, and cheddar cheese burst forth.

I kept the lid down and continued to press, determined not to lift it up again until the squeals of protest ceased.

When at last my trembling hand revealed my creation, I beheld a monstrosity. The avocado, bacon, and cheddar cheeses had combined to form a new mottled crust, wholly unknown to the sight of man before this moment. My senses reeled as I turned the beast over, to reveal a mismatched underbelly of dry salami, spinach, and blackened bread.

Indeed, the only ingredient that had not become part of the new, chimeran crust was the red bell pepper. However, the central piece of bread had split and warped during the cooking process to the point that the inner workings of the sandwich adhered to a warped geometry that set my mind into fits of madness.

This was not a sandwich as I have come to known them, but an affront to the natural order the universe.

It was pretty good.

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A Very Large Book of Giraffes and Elephants

August 14, 2009 · Leave a Comment

You can now buy A Very Large Book of Giraffes and Elephants at Amazon.com.

It is full of Giraffes and Elephants and is slightly less large than the title might imply.

Giraffes and Elephants Are Friends will always be dear to my heart. It was the first time that I created something that knew exactly what it was. I may stray from doing it now and again while other projects tickle my fancy, but they are a safe haven from that which ails me.

I will say on the outset that the price of admission is high. Anyone in the publishing industry will tell you that a full color book is expensive, and a self-published one doubly so. I honestly will be surprised if you buy one. PLEASANTLY surprised, I might add, but if you don’t, I’m not mad at you.

I’ll be working on some lower-cost fare as time permits.

I have a copy of this at my house now, and that’s the really big deal.

Thanks for reading!

-Paul

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Today’s Sandwich: The Swimming Elvis

August 13, 2009 · 4 Comments

So, I wanted to skip the mustard today:

Pumpernickel Rye
Creamy Peanut Butter
Baby Spinach
Swiss Cheese
Dry Salami
Orange Bell Pepper
The Greek Gods’ Yogurt (Honey)
Pumpernickel Rye

Notes:

As you may have noticed, EVERYTHING is on pumpernickel rye this week. I didn’t have any money for more than one loaf of bread, and I wanted something special. In retrospect, I might have done better with going for a more traditional bread.

In the same way, I really love mustard, so all of my condiments are variations on that theme. Now I wish I had gotten one extra thing, like BBQ sauce, or what have you.

This will all change as I build my sandwich resources.

Perhaps a bread machine and a panini grill are in my future.

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A Most Ambitious Sandwich

August 12, 2009 · 1 Comment

This is my most complicated to date:

Toasted Pumpernickel Rye
Beaver Jalapeno Mustard
Baby Spinach
Roast Beef
Crescent Valley Pepper Jack Cheese
Salumeria Italian Dry Salami
Red Bell Pepper
Deer Mountain Blackberry Preserves
Toasted Pumpernickel Rye

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Today’s Sandwich

August 11, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Yet another sandwich that needs its own post.

Pumpernickel Rye
The Greek Gods’ Yogurt (Honey)
Baby Spinach
Swiss Cheese
Roast Beef
Orange Bell Peppers
Wasabi
Pumpernickel Rye

There’s a lot going on in my mouth right now.

You’re welcome!

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Dreams and a Question

August 11, 2009 · 1 Comment

Ben Laurance and I make up the performance duo Gude/Laurance and we’re going to be part of Sketchfest this year.

So of course, last night I had a dream that Sketchfest was an outdoor concert. We hadn’t prepared anything, and while everyone enjoyed my shtick of saying Princess Bride quotes while doing a Harry Lloyd impression (which I cannot do in real life), they didn’t like it after the first twenty minutes. Everyone wandered away and I was left with Ben staring at me.

“Do we still get paid?” I asked.

He just glared at me.

When Betty woke me up she said:

“I’m R2D2! I have a cousin!”

This gave me pause, because I had just had a dream before waking where I was floating over suburban streets, and everyone had an R2 Unit in their driveway. I touched down in front of a house with a big wooden box in the front yard. On the box was the word, “Cousin,” or, at the very least, I *knew* the word cousin was in the box. Inside was an steam-punk looking R2-unit that sped down the street, shedding parts as it went.

So the question then:

Did I actually dream that, or did my brain create the dream retroactively after her statement?

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The Second One

August 7, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Certainly someone can remember
Anyone?
No one’s still dreaming of that secret version of America?
You and I were down with that magical invisible land
Oh, the codes and ciphers of our oh-so-clever Illuminati
Until now, I didn’t think I’d be the one to do it.

Still, here I am.
All of my hopes resting here
You, the fan club, ready to be my tired effort’s deux ex machina
One small effort
“Zounds!,” you exclaim, “Eureka, I says!”
The game becomes clear, and you do it.
Once I hear the word, it will ebb

Or flow, from my arm
Reaching through fingers here
Coming through like the words can
Once I hear the word, that’s it.
My game will start, and you’ll be with us

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