The show in which I’m involved, ATF: A Burlesque had a very nice show tonight. Afterwards, John (who plays “Oscar Amazing”) had a birthday party at GameWorks. I showed up, although I am completely broke at this point, having put down a deposit on a new apartment in Capitol Hill. Due to a psychological prank conceived in honor of Paul (a different Paul, who plays “Bill” in the show) all of the women present were dressed like catholic school girls.
Faith was going to go, but ended up not feeling up to it. I therefore was left without an emotional buffer when dealing with Ms. G.
If I’m able to balance my crushes out between several women at once, I’m pretty stable. At work, I am able to focus my attention on different tasks. However, in a social setting when my dissociative tendancies allow me to see myself beg for attention, I feel the need to escape.
I have to learn to see flirting as a positive thing, not something about which to feel guilty or embarassed. I want to be open with everyone, to remain in a conversation, not observe myself and fabricate the other individual’s inner monologue.
I am perfectly happy with the level of contact I have enjoyed with these crushes. It’s only on certain nights, such as this one, when I see any sign of negative emotions.
I know that my lifestyle and general mental states will not fit into the standard “fall in love get married” template. However, this template exists, and my genetics and/or environment transform it’s expectations into a soul-crushing depression any time I’m around someone to whom I am remotely attracted and perceive no form of reciprication.
That’s not to say that these people are cold, mean, or distant. They are warm and friendly. They give me many compliments for which I feel flattered. This should be enough. You can’t force anything else, and looking for it will make you crazy.
I feel better already.

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About paulgude

Paul Gude writes small books, makes stupid music, draws silly pictures, and does weird things on stage.
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