Today’s Phone Call

As per a few requests, here is the transcript of the latest phone call where I pretended to be really really stupid.

(Note – I have changed the names of my bosses. In this scenario we shall say that my CEO goes by the name Will, though his name on our official documentation is “William.” I know that if someone asks for “Bill,” they have no idea who my boss is. They lose extra points for trying to sound like they know him. My manager will be called Susan.)

Ring Ring!

Me: Hello! Thank you for calling [Name of company]! Can I help you?
Caller: Hi, yes! Is Bill in?
Me: Uh…Bill? I don’t…um…BILL? No, I don’t…uh…Did you say, “Bill?”
Caller: William?
Me: Ohhhhhhh!
Caller: Is he available?
Me: Him? No…can I take a message? I can write it down, on paper. He likes it that way.
Caller: Well, is he the one who makes insurance decisions, or does Susan do that as well?
Me: Wow. You know her, too? Uh…I don’t know. What’s it…I mean…why are you…uhhhh…
Caller: I’m calling from Aflac. I set up appointments with them.
Me: Oh. Huh. You know…I don’t think we use Aflac.
Caller: That’s why we want to set up an appointment with them.
Me: To do what?
Caller: To talk about Aflac.
Me: But why do you want to talk to them about it if they don’t use it? That doesn’t make any sense.
Caller: Do you have health insurance at your company?
Me: WAIT! I think I’ve figured this out. Is this a SALES call?
Caller: Well, I’m not in sales. I just make appointments.
Me: Huh. I’m not supposed to take sales calls. I’m too…gullible?
Caller: Well-
Me: But you said this isn’t a sales call?
Caller: That’s right.
Me: Okay, let me have you speak to Susan.
(They are put on hold for a while.)
Me: Everyone everywhere is in a meeting. Do like talking to voicemail?
Caller: Sure, I-
Me: Great!

Seriously, guys. Let me take a message or ask for voicemail. It’s easier on all of us.


About paulgude

Paul Gude writes small books, makes stupid music, draws silly pictures, and does weird things on stage.
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3 Responses to Today’s Phone Call

  1. Lex Vader says:


  2. This reminds me of the time I received a call at home from one of those random polling establishments.

    This was back in the day when telephones were stationary devices and too big to fit in ones pocket.

    The call went something like this:

    Caller: Hello this is so and so from such and such and your number has been randomly selected for a telephone poll.
    Me: What are you wearing?
    Caller: Excuse me?
    Me: What are you wearing?
    Caller: Pause… Clothes?
    Me: Are you wearing the frilly satiny things?
    Caller: Um no…..
    Me: I told you next time you called to be prepared with the frilly satiny things. Why are you wasting my time.
    Caller: Ok, I am wearing them.
    Me: Laughing. Have a good night
    End of call.

    He was just way too cooperative. I couldn’t keep up the ruse when he was playing along.

    Now, I don’t really recommend this tact at work. Will or Susan might walk by, and that would just be akward.

  3. paulgude says:

    I still like the one from a few weeks back:

    Caller: Hey, is Bill there?
    Me: He’s not available right now, would you like his voice mail?
    Caller: That slick son-of-a-bitch is harder to get ahold of than my wife’s boyfriend!
    Me: Oh, well let me put you through then.
    Caller: Well, okay!
    Me: Seriously?
    Caller: What?

    And then, a day later:

    Caller: Is Bill there?
    Me: No he’s not, would you like his voice mail?
    Caller: What’s his cell phone number again?
    Me: For real?

    They were two different guys.

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