Fake Observations

This is a collection of all of my observational humor based on observations that are, at their core, incorrect. Enjoy!

Why do I always end up sitting on the bus sitting next to the guy eating a frozen stick of butter? And get this: UNSALTED!

Why do all Norwegians have to answer the phone by saying the Lord’s Prayer in FRENCH? Aren’t they from NORWAY?!?

You know how if your keys go through the wash cycle all your clothes become racist? Maybe ARIZONA is some clothes!

What’s up with hipsters and their pet ducks? I went to a Cat Power concert and it looked like Pollock got a Vans contract.

Why do all zoo animals have boners? I mean, I know the zoo is fun for US, but you LIVE there! Give it a rest already!

Is it possible to find even ONE carpet installer who knows that you have to take the mustache comb OUT once and a while?

What’s with all these barefoot Thai kids selling plaster teeth on the bus? Who’s their target market?

Why’s every pair of pants from Goodwill have a hamster wearing an identical pair of pants in each pocket? Are they MODELS?

Whose bright idea was it to fill piñatas with creamed corn? Oh, no, really, happy birthday to YOU, asshole!

Why do raccoons always leave nickels around the trash cans they knock over? What are you, Mr. Racoon THE GARBAGE FAIRY?

Why do cowboys always wear two hats? Did they forget they put the first one on?

You ever notice how crossing guards are always eating a sandwich? God forbid a child’s safety takes you away from LUNCH!

Why do crows, bats, and squirrels only steal Craftsman tools? Does Sears accept returns from wildlife without a receipt?

Since when do Girl Scouts expect us to buy old film canisters full of their eyelashes? They finally run out of cookies?

Since when were French fries and turkey gravy a standard samosa filling? I’m not complaining, but my DIET sure is!

I don’t even want ONE razorback hog in my family sedan. Why on EARTH would Ford make two of them a “mandatory feature?”

How come every time the Jehovah’s Witnesses come to my door, all they want is for me to tell them plots to R-Rated movies?

Fake armpit wigs for four-year-olds? One, I don’t understand the need, but two: How exactly are they “Christmas items?”


About paulgude

Paul Gude writes small books, makes stupid music, draws silly pictures, and does weird things on stage.
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