My suggestions for sure-fire sitcom gold can be found below:
“I’m going to the shed!” – Elderly man who rage-masturbates in an off-screen shed when wife makes poor decisions.
“I have cancer?” – Child of con artist who overcompensates for minor transgressions by pretending she’s dying.
“You want to know something ELSE about batteries?” – Aspie kid whose stepdad’s convinced he’s “faking it.” Constantly.
“I must have fallen asleep.” – Small-town sheriff who’s constantly drugged and molested by his deputies.
“The monkey did it.” Man who is inexplicably forced to man a missile launch station with a VERY curious monkey.
“And you are?” – Mail order bride who gets amnesia after every orgasm.
“Here we go again!” – Elementary school teacher repeatedly mistaken for David Lee Roth (Played by David Lee Roth)
“Can’t you stay for some hot chocolate?” – Kindly old woman obsessed with poisoning her on-the-go grandchildren.
“Why babies gotta be so small?” – Down-on-his luck volunteer fireman.
“Someday…a trip to Antwerp.” – Put-upon milquetoast who mistakenly believes matricide is legal in Belgium.
“No one for me, thanks.” – Vegan grad student who’s making ends meet by moving back in with her cannibal parents.
“Oh no! I’m blind! And PREGNANT!!!” Airline pilot who regularly exhibits hysterical blindness/pregnancy.
“What about a dolphin rape scene?” Hollywood producer, who interrupts every pitch with his singular obsession.
“I’ll have the special.” – Old fashioned hangin’ judge and cafe regular, yet to come to terms with his illiteracy.
“Was THAT sex?” Alien visitor after licking envelope, using a pen, ordering Chinese food, etc.
“Got another one!” Elderly “sharpshooter” trying to kill the same downed pilot two decades since he lost his glasses.
“Sorry, mister, I’m just REALLY racist.” – L’il Wendy Whitebread
“I daresay it was worth the farthing.” -The miserly judge who moonlights as a male prostitute.
“That’s as crazy as not killin’ people who remind you of your whore of a mother!” – Serial killer with no social filter.
“Who wants PANCAKES?!?” – Pathological liar who never has any pancakes.
“Mister Morgan…he sleeping!” – Foreign nanny who murders employer and attempts to raise his heirs in secret.
“Who wants to watch grandma poop?” Offstage sing-song voice to children of famous performance artists. No takers.