New Catch Phrases and Their Respective Characters

My suggestions for sure-fire sitcom gold can be found below:

“I’m going to the shed!” – Elderly man who rage-masturbates in an off-screen shed when wife makes poor decisions.

“I have cancer?” – Child of con artist who overcompensates for minor transgressions by pretending she’s dying.

“You want to know something ELSE about batteries?” – Aspie kid whose stepdad’s convinced he’s “faking it.” Constantly.

“I must have fallen asleep.” – Small-town sheriff who’s constantly drugged and molested by his deputies.

“The monkey did it.” Man who is inexplicably forced to man a missile launch station with a VERY curious monkey.

“And you are?” – Mail order bride who gets amnesia after every orgasm.

“Here we go again!” – Elementary school teacher repeatedly mistaken for David Lee Roth (Played by David Lee Roth)

“Can’t you stay for some hot chocolate?” – Kindly old woman obsessed with poisoning her on-the-go grandchildren.

“Why babies gotta be so small?” – Down-on-his luck volunteer fireman.

“Someday…a trip to Antwerp.” – Put-upon milquetoast who mistakenly believes matricide is legal in Belgium.

“No one for me, thanks.” – Vegan grad student who’s making ends meet by moving back in with her cannibal parents.

“Oh no! I’m blind! And PREGNANT!!!” Airline pilot who regularly exhibits hysterical blindness/pregnancy.

“What about a dolphin rape scene?” Hollywood producer, who interrupts every pitch with his singular obsession.

“I’ll have the special.” – Old fashioned hangin’ judge and cafe regular, yet to come to terms with his illiteracy.

“Was THAT sex?” Alien visitor after licking envelope, using a pen, ordering Chinese food, etc.

“Got another one!” Elderly “sharpshooter” trying to kill the same downed pilot two decades since he lost his glasses.

“Sorry, mister, I’m just REALLY racist.” – L’il Wendy Whitebread

“I daresay it was worth the farthing.” -The miserly judge who moonlights as a male prostitute.

“That’s as crazy as not killin’ people who remind you of your whore of a mother!” – Serial killer with no social filter.

“Who wants PANCAKES?!?” – Pathological liar who never has any pancakes.

“Mister Morgan…he sleeping!” – Foreign nanny who murders employer and attempts to raise his heirs in secret.

“Who wants to watch grandma poop?” Offstage sing-song voice to children of famous performance artists. No takers.


About paulgude

Paul Gude writes small books, makes stupid music, draws silly pictures, and does weird things on stage.
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