Yield: A Dozen Puffs
Pretzel Puff Dough:
1 packet active dry yeast
1 cup warm water
2 and 3/4 cups flour
1 tbsp honey
1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp peanut oil
4 cups water
2 tbsp baking soda
Pretzel salt for topping.
How to do it:
1. Heat up water in microwave or hobo fire. (Stove is acceptable if no substitutes can be found.)
2. In a mixing bowl, add honey and yeast. Watch the fascinating yeast explosions for five minutes.
3. Add 1 1/2 cups of your flour, all salt and all the oil to the honey and yeast mixture. Some will say to do this in a separate bowl. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. They only want to slow you down and make you weak.
4. Add the remaining 1 1/4 cups of flour and poke at the dough halfheartedly with a spatula for about three minutes or until you get bored. You can use your hands if you want, but it’s pretty gross.
5. Pour some more oil…whoops, you actually need more oil. I could go up and change the requirements, but ugh…so much work. You probably have more, right? Pour it on the top of the dough and try to sneak some underneath, too.
6. Set the dough aside and forget about it. Seriously. Run some errands, and then be like halfway though and think, “Oh, no! My Pretzel Puffs!” This should take about an hour.
7. The dough should have raised to double. Only it didn’t. Too bad. You’re a failure as a cook. Might as well keep going.
8. Separate the dough into twelve equal blobs on a well-oiled cookie sheet. You can try to roll it into balls if you want, but by now there really isn’t any point, right?
9. Preheat the oven to 475 degrees Fahrenheit. Finally, something you can do right. Feel that confidence slide on back.
10. Prepare your Puff Bath in an non-aluminum pot. Why non-aluminum? Why do you ask so many questions? Are you a cop? Who’s pulling your strings? Just bring the Puff Bath to a boil and let me worry about the details.
11. Add the puffs one at a time, leaving each puff in for a minute. After the minute is up, fish it out with a spoon (NOT YOUR HANDS, YOU SAVAGE!) and put it back on the cookie sheet. This should take exactly twelve minutes. You’re in a hurry though, aren’t you? You decide to sneak in a puff at the tail end of the last one’s cycle. What can it hurt, right? Maybe nothing. Maybe. Just remember I warned you.
12. Once all the puffs are out of the bath and on the sheet, cover them with pretzel salt and NOTHING ELSE. What? You want to make brown sugar cinnamon pretzel puffs? You want to add cheese? You want to use regular salt, or seasoned salt? TAKE THAT NOISE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
13. Now your puffs are all prepared. Put them in the oven for ten minutes. No more, no less. Set a timer. Don’t even look at them while they’re cooking. NEVER LOOK AT THEM UNTIL THE TIMER GOES OFF. You won’t be satisfied anyway. Why insist on torturing yourself?
14. Once the time goes off, take the puffs out of the oven and put them on the stove. Walk out of the kitchen backwards, never taking your eyes on the puffs until you’re safe. Breath slowly through your nose until you feel calm.
15. Remove the puffs from the cookie sheet and eat while hot with friends.
16. Wrap the rest in tin foil, refrigerate, and eat the next morning, curled in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. Why did they all desert you?
Paul’s Pretzel Puff Pizza
1 Paul’s Pretzel Puff
A dollop of marinara
A slice of cheese
How to do it:
1. Score the pretzel puff with a knife. That’ll shut it up.
2. Put the marinara on it.
3. Put the slice of cheese on top.
4. Heat until cheese melts.
6. Wonder if this is really a good idea, or just an excuse to exploit alliteration.