I Can’t Imagine Me Ending

I have this little thought experiment every night before I go to bed.

I try to imagine I stop existing.

I’m not imagining dying. I’m not imagining my body dead in the ground, or loved ones grieving over me. I’m imagining my brain shutting off. No more thoughts. No waking up somewhere else. Not even darkness, just no more me.

Instead, my mind floods with images. Three dolphins, seen from a great height, fins sticking our of the water. Impossibly long grey humanoid shapes floating among trees, distorted ghost apes. A woman in a simple white dress, eyes red from crying.

It’s like my brain knows what I’m trying and attempts to distract me with the craziest things it can conceive. It works.

The closest I get is still not an idea of myself ending, but an impression of being trapped in a dark cave, in a pool of water. A sense of eternity accompanies the experience.

I actually find it all restful, which is why I keep doing it.

If I ever wink out of this reality, you can assume I’ve accidentally teleported there.

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About paulgude

Paul Gude writes small books, makes stupid music, draws silly pictures, and does weird things on stage.
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One Response to I Can’t Imagine Me Ending

  1. smellmyhead says:

    i know this is going to sound like like it comes out of left field, but then again, that might just remind you that i’m the one saying it. (it’s pretty obvious i also don’t read your blog nearly as much as i read your twitter. so it goes.) anyway: have you read patrick suskind’s _perfume_? both the meditation on what it means to have an awareness of oneself in the world, and the imagery of the cave, remind me of it.

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